Keeping Time

I consider this to be like one of those cheesy Christmas letter of some sort. I mean, I’m not usually the kind of person to go about posting about how I’m doing or anything along those lines, but just letting myself write is like a slightly-skewed form of masturbation for myself, so I figure I might cream myself all over my keyboard, speaking figuratively of course.

Christmas is always a weird time for me, especially at my age, because as much as I love the sights, smells, sounds, and pretty much everything about Christmas, it’s odd to lose the magic. It’s a trend I’ve noticed over the years, and while I’ve grown comfortable with it, the thought of treating holidays like any other day just seems like being the only guy at the party who decides not to dance. I came to the party, I prepped myself for it, but I’m just soaking up everyone elses fun, and when someone asks me the next day how it went, I’ll just say “Same ol’, same ol’” and hope that no one feels the need to point out the fact that I spent the majority of the night binge drinking off to the side.

On that note, it’s just growing increasingly interesting to see how things really turn out in life. I mean, I’ve been told “It’s a cruel world out there” my entire life, and while I think I’ve dealt with that for the most part, it’s interesting to see exactly how much is thrown behind the curtain until you’re deemed old enough. Family members talking about each other with (seemingly) real expectations, instead of just blind love, which is the way you were taught growing up, and the like. I don’t want to chalk it up to “shit happens”, but due to the fact that I’ve grown increasingly lazier when it comes to smoothing things out in my life, it looks like that’s where that one will fall.

Christmas, and the winter season in general, has also brought my disgusting love of shit stuff to my attention. I’ve started to keep track over the last few months of exactly what I buy, and while it may not be 100% correct (I do miss things here and there), it’s just amazing to see how much I splurge. But at the same time, I also save money (or at least that’s what I like to tell myself), and along with the small amount of disgust I feel when I look at that page, I also feel a small amount of pride in myself, knowing how much more I almost spent. I guess thats like patting yourself on the back for walking into a brothel and only walking out with crabs. Oh well.

I’ve also been accepted into college, which has sent my motivation straight to zero. I now sit at home, either hanging out with my girlfriend, play World of Warcraft/Xbox, or just watch TV, while at the same time rediscovering my lost love for fast food. While I do feel a small amount of sloth, I also derive happiness from the fact that my life is so utterly simple. Now for many it may not be in any way satisfying, but my girlfriend, whom I spend most of my free time with, is fantastic, and as far as sitting my ass on my couch and playing games goes, that’s been a staple of my life for years. I do absolutely no school work, much to my parents dismay, and just spend ridiculous amounts of time thinking about my future, which I’m hoping includes lots of this.

So while I can’t exactly say I’ve cured a disease or done anything spectacular with my life as of late, I have found a very nice niche, that for once isn’t rooted in my intense feelings of being alone (lonelyness wasn’t the right word). Seeing as how the next few years of my life appear to be the ones that may or may not carve my “path”, it’ll be interesting to see how all of that transcends. Can’t imagine I’d fuck up too bad, but with the world in the state it is now days, I honestly can’t tell. I just keep trying to fight the good fight, whatever that may be.